A Letter to Fathers

Dear Fathers,

I write to you today, reminded again of life’s fragility. My hope was that a recent life-threatening event would change the heart and mind of one my daughters. But excuses were made, hearts remained hard, and it seems the enemy has more of a grip than I anticipated. I shouldn’t be surprised by this resistance to God’s work—it took me 39 years to finally realize that He was trying to get my attention. I appeal to you now because the reality of the harvest I’ve reaped has overwhelmed me. I now realize that I will most likely spend the rest of my life trying to undo the damage I caused in the first 40 years of it. My hope for you is that you may read this early enough in your journey as a father to see the signs and correct your course.

Early in life, I decided I wanted to have kids as soon as possible so that I could still have a life after they moved out. I thought I’d be a young grandpa, able to enjoy my grandkids and keep up with them. But I had no plan, no direction for marriage, and certainly no intentions of living a Christian lifestyle. Drinking, video games, building things, and pornography all took precedence over being a father. I was violent, envious, and jealous—a powder keg full of emotion. I convinced myself I’d be lucky to live past my 20s. I was reckless, driving over 100 miles per hour on a motorcycle without a helmet. I had many close calls that would scare most people straight. One, in particular, came at the end of a long night shift when I wrecked my forklift, causing it to tip over. As we tried to resolve the situation ourselves, the propane tank was almost crushed—it could have killed me and three others that night. But no matter how many signs I got about the frailty of life, I ignored them all. I wasn’t ready to hear about heaven or hell. I just wanted to live like hell.

Somehow, I managed to have three children before my first marriage ended. The fear of being financially ruined was enough to get me into a church on my own accord. I attended regularly, served, and even got baptized, but my life stayed on course for destruction. My drinking intensified, and my violent streak became verbal. As I sank further into darkness, I remarried and had another child. But I was still a selfish, ego-driven, pride-filled, lustful man who didn’t deserve four children or another shot at marriage. I was convinced that my greatest contribution would be dying and leaving behind a life insurance policy for my wife and kids.

Joining a small group and listening to Christian sermons online didn’t break me free from the chains of addiction and my angry mouth. I tried getting into shape, eating vegetarian for two years, meditation, and following self-help influencers, but everything ended in more despair, leading to major depression that threatened my career, my marriage, and my health. I couldn’t sleep. My anxiety was at an all-time high, to the point where I developed shingles at the age of 38. What you don’t see in all of this is much attention to my daughters. Sure, I was present—I went to their games, helped with homework—but I was hardly a father.

“Shots fired,” subtle points that stuck out during a few sermons, caused me to question whether I truly believed in God or the resurrection of His Son, Jesus Christ. I hadn’t successfully stopped any of my addictions, and they were reaching a point of no return. With my world crumbling around me, I finally thought, one drunken night, that I could see why people take their lives—they just can’t see a way out of the destructive path they’ve been following. It scared me enough that I finally cried out to God, asking for forgiveness and for Jesus to trade my burdens. I gave up fighting to do things my way and decided the best option was to follow Him.

I remember sobbing uncontrollably in the shower as the song “I Will Trust” played in my AirPods. Over the last 20 months, my life has been on an accelerated recovery course that I can hardly believe. One by one, God tore down the walls I had built up over my life. Addictions dissolved overnight. Cursing disappeared without me even noticing. My life has been and is being transformed into Christ-likeness. I know, without a doubt, that the day I cried out to God was the day my old self died, and Christ took up residence in my heart. I could feel it. It brought instant transformation to certain areas of my life, and then convicted me to the point of confession and repentance in others.

The point is this: no matter how hard I tried to break these issues on my own, I could never sustain it. It was only when the Holy Spirit entered my body that things miraculously started to change.

Meanwhile, as I started to grow, I also started to see the destruction of living that way for so many years. I began to reap the rewards of being a self-absorbed father. I started seeing how I created mirror images of myself that I was now beginning to battle. I saw the irony in many of my soapbox speeches to my wife and daughters, as I sought to correct their behavior while overlooking my hypocritical ways. I’ve had many humbling experiences over the last two years, most of which are somehow related to trying to stop the carnage I’ve caused. It is what I would consider hell on earth, or God’s judgment for how I’ve judged others over the course of my time here. I feel like I’m trying to stop a runaway freight train—a fire I fed for almost 40 years. I’m begging and pleading as I attempt to pull back on the brake lever. I scream, “Open your eyes! Can’t you see how God protected you?” But it falls on deaf ears.

Sure, I believe in God’s providence and His calling each one of us to Himself. However, I can't help but wonder, if I had I been a better example and shown them the importance of trusting and obeying the Creator of our universe early on, would it have saved them from a life of many trials and tribulations? So, I turn to you, wherever you are in your journey as a father, and I beg you to learn from the worst example that I am. Rearrange your priorities so that they are in the correct order. Start with your relationship with God and our Savior, Jesus Christ. Put down the things of this world that prevent you from being truly committed to obeying Him.

Understand this: you cannot be transformed by your own will. It is only through the saving grace of Jesus, who died on the cross after living a perfect life to pay for the sins of every person who has ever existed, and who was resurrected by God three days later to prove He is who He said He is, that you can be transformed. It is only when you believe that Jesus died for your sins and took the wrath of God in your place, and then choose to follow Him for the rest of your life, that true transformation begins. That is when He will come to live inside you and give you a new heart. Trust me—I know it works. Stop the freight train as soon as you can. Be the leader your wife and children need. Submit to God’s authority and let Him change you from the inside out. See the supernatural way that the Holy Spirit produces love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, and self-control.

Open your eyes. See how God is working in and around you. Be the leader your wife and children need you to be. There’s no better time than here and now. It's not a decision, but a lifelong process of being sanctified. Walk by the Spirit, and you will surely not carry out the desires of the flesh.

May God bless you and your family. Amen.