Has anyone seen my sail?

Like a sailboat without a sail, I've drifted around the harbor, running into other boats and have yet to reach my destination. I stand behind the wheel, spinning it back and forth, viguorously trying to correct course. My efforts are futile, because I lack one of the most important tools on a sailboat. Once I wedge myself deep enough into an uncomfortable place, I'll get out some of the tools I need to aim my way towards the open waters. However, I never quite gain the momentum to reach I need to break over the last wave. Somehow, I find myself back in the harbor, banging around, clinched fist in the air, broken and in need of repairs. I am at that point in my life, yet again.

If you're familiar with the story of the disabled man on the mat. (Ref: John 5). When Jesus saw him lying there and realized he had already been there a long time, he said to him, , "Do you want to get well?" (v. 5) My understanding is that He asks because the man must acknowledge that he truly wants to break out of his circumstances. Does he truly want to live and experience life? If he does, he must pick up his mat and get going. He needs to put his money where his mouth is. I have been uncomfortable with where I am many times over the past few years. However, this time is different, because I have Jesus standing over me asking the same question. I know this, because I have written out many times how I need to organize my time. I have acknowledged how chaotic my life is and the freedom that comes with telling your time what you plan to do with it, instead of the opposite outcome. So why is it so stinkin' difficult to pick up my mat!?

Why is it so hard to choose carrots over cookies? Why do I find myself back in the same places again in again in life? How many times do I have to use the analogy of "crawling out of quicksand" or "spinning my wheels," before I finally wake up? Why, everytime, I get committed to getting my life together, I repeat the same process:

Step 1: Realize I need to change

Step 2: Change 100 things in my life at the same time

Step 3: Become overwhelmed and fall back into a place of chaos and depression

Step 4: Repeat Step 1

Now don't get me wrong, I will see results. My family sees these cycles coming from the get-go, because they know I'm going to be telling them all about it. They also know what the inevitable outcome is. They've seen this pattern so many times that "dad's on another kick again" has become an annoying reality to them. Do I really want to be made well? You don't have to look further than the 15-20 planners I've had, to see my commitment to consistency. None of them have ever been used the entire year. I'm lucky if I look at the thing for an entire week straight, let alone an entire year! Change is freaking hard. True change, without regression, seems absolutely impossible. That is why I've never felt worthy enough to mentor someone else. I am a house of cards on any given day. My foundation has always been weak, because I'm always trying to grow too quickly.

So how do I break free from this reality. What is my response to Jesus' question? I do want to be well, but I need You to help me because I can't do it alone. I need You to sift me day after day, against my will, until He is satisfied with the person I have become. I need His sail guiding my boat. I need Him to provide the propulsion forward. Pulling me through the waves when I'm ready. Taking on more responsibility when I've mastered the previous one. I need the firm foundation that only comes from slow and steady growth. I need to continue to remind myself that my identity is in Him and Him alone. My identity doesn't come from my accomplishments or from influencing other people. Everything else will come and go and so with it will my progress.

Today, I am asking Jesus to make me well, and waiting to hear, "pick up your mat and walk."

Step 1: (complete)

Step 2:

A. Ask God for guidance

B. Change 1 thing, master it, before moving to Step 3.

Until next time. God Bless.